Introverts unite!

[layla]

A nifty article I came across today on Caring For Your Introvert neatly expresses a concept that I've always had trouble getting across to people -- that social interaction drains me. I sometimes have a hard time figuring out how to explain, without sounding like a total weenie, that it's not that I don't enjoy spending time with my friends; it's just that I need a lot of charging/recharging in order to prepare for or recover from an evening of social interaction, or even a phone conversation. It's fun, but it's also a bit like running a marathon uphill, especially in a social setting with a lot of people. I've learned by experience that about 2-3 hours of personal interaction (give or take a bit) or somewhere between a half-hour to an hour on the phone is about as long as I can happily enjoy before I reach the point where weariness starts to overwhelm the fun I'm having. So ... if I leave a party early, or if I politely start trying to end a conversation on the phone after an hour or so, it's not because I don't like you, it's just because I'm getting very tired and I need to stop for a rest.

Comments

Essay, part 2~

[naye]

Just like gaming - I love having the gaming group over, spending a couple of hours being intensely creative or just plain social with them. But I've been known to fall asleep before they've actually left. ^^;; At least when I was the GM, and would spend every minute that we were playing with my attention focused on one of them. When I'm just playing, not GMing, or when we just watch something fun on TV... I can sort of switch off and curl up in my corner of the couch (and yes, sometimes I would reach for my laptop and do My Thing even with the others right there!), and I'd have the energy to go on for longer. But, really, this whole falling asleep where I sit after spending an intense 6-8 hours with people?

And then we have the whole thing with how I've never enjoyed going out to bars or clubs or whatnot (to the point where they're all "whatnot" to me - I have no clue what people do when they "go out", really), and how I'll be perfectly happy to see my friends one day a week - two at the most. Especially when working a full time job, one day of the weekend spent being social is... fun, but then the other day I need for me. And I'll turn down offers to do things I like, such as watching a good TV show together or go to the movies or whatnot, just because I... err... "don't feel like it". (I'll try to come up with a better excuse, but... yeah.)

I do find it really interesting that introverts can be perfectly happy living in a relationship with another person, though! You'd think that'd be a contradiction in terms, but with someone who respects your need to be alone and do your thing, it can really work. At least that's my experience of it. Though I'm thinking that it needs to be a relationship with another introvert... or?

How do you find yourself relating to work? Is working with other people as draining as being social with them? Though I guess that must depend on the kind of work you do with them...

Re: Essay, part 2~

[laylalawlor.livejournal.com]

Oh man, all of that about limited socializing -- that is SO TOTALLY ME. I don't want people to feel like I don't enjoy spending time with them, because that's not true; it's just that I feel very satisfied and happy with occasional get-togethers. (Which have, actually, gotten a little TOO occasional -- there's having alone-time, and then there's being a total hermit, and I think I'm leaning dangerously far in a hermity sort of direction right now!) And I really don't have any desire to "go out" -- I did do some of that kind of thing right after I got out of college, e.g. going out for drinks after work with some of the women I worked with on a semi-regular basis, but I didn't really enjoy it all that much, and I don't miss it. If I'm going to socialize with people, I'd rather have a quiet evening in, with a handful of close friends.

...with someone who respects your need to be alone and do your thing, it can really work. At least that's my experience of it. Though I'm thinking that it needs to be a relationship with another introvert... or?

That's exactly what makes my marriage work -- we never talk to each other! *g* Seriously ... right now, I think it's been hours since we've said a word to each other; he's off doing his thing, and I'm off doing mine. It's not that we don't get along or have conversations; it's just that we both really enjoy focusing on our individual projects, computers or books for hours and hours, and neither one of us feels neglected.

In college and afterwards, I had quite a number of different (platonic) roommates, some of whom were very social and some who weren't; you definitely *can* live with an extrovert when you're naturally introverted, but I absolutely HAVE to have somewhere to go, to get personal time. There was quite a bit of time spent in my room with the door closed! And even now, when I have guests, or when I am a guest, I usually need to find time now and then to go off by myself and read, or write on my computer, or surf the net for a little while.

My time estimates above are really just rough guesses, and it *does* depend on the person; I can spend hours and hours talking to some people, but in a social group situation with a lot of people, I do wear out pretty fast. I wish I felt free to take a computer or book along when I go visiting, because all I really need is a little time every now and then to retreat into my own head and recharge, so I can go back to being social again...

Actually, reading the article and looking at it as more of a sort of mental orientation than just a strange "me" thing makes me feel a lot less weird, and a little better about all of my odd little coping mechanisms to get along in a social people's world.

How do you find yourself relating to work? Is working with other people as draining as being social with them?

It's interesting -- I kind of "gear up" into a higher-energy state when I'm at work. Luckily, my job involves quite a bit of hyperfocused time where I can retreat into my head and work on individual projects (I build advertisements for a newspaper), which is easier on me than if I was dealing with customers and salespeople ALL day rather than just part of the day -- but I've had customer-service jobs, and I know that I can do that, too. I just deal with it. I don't really act shy in public. There are days, though, when I come home from work so mentally exhausted (both from dealing with other people, and from general work-related problem-solving) that I'm utterly unable to THINK -- all I can do is surf the net or read something until it's time for bed.

What I really don't get, though, is hanging out with other people as a cure for this feeling. It just doesn't work that way for me! I know that a lot of people get to the end of the work week and then what they need to relax is to find some people to hang out with or talk to on the phone. Me? No. I'm lucky if I can scrape together enough social energy for one evening with friends or the weekly phone calls to my family. And this is where I feel sort of guilty, because it's hard to find a way to explain that it's not THEM -- it's just that my social batteries are all drained and I have to refill them before I'll really enjoy *anybody's* company again.

Re: Essay, part 2~

[naye]

I'm not sure if an imbalance between the introvert/extrovert thing was a factor in my break-up... It might have been. I might have needed someone to push me to be more social, and he might have felt I was a hopeless immobile object, always busy with my own things? Hmm. Definitely something to be more aware of if I end up in a relationship again... But you can't always know everything about yourself. You sometimes have to learn the hard way - or the fun way, which is through discussing it with friends! ♥

I can spend hours and hours talking to some people, but in a social group situation with a lot of people, I do wear out pretty fast. I wish I felt free to take a computer or book along when I go visiting, because all I really need is a little time every now and then to retreat into my own head and recharge, so I can go back to being social again...

That's what was so great about the set-up we had with the gaming group. Obviously we all know each other really, really well, and acted more as a family group than as friends when we were together... but together with them, if it got a little too much, I'd pull out my laptop and take a moment to read my mail or browse LJ or something. And it really wasn't because I was bored with them. Maybe I'm reading introversion into everything right now, but... It's interesting to me that you should mention wanting to bring a computer along!

But I really do have a high tolerance for other people, if they're the right people - when I visit xparrot, I'm sometimes in the same room with her for days. Literally! Her place in Japan is so small that my futon was right by the foot end of hers, and there was nowhere else to go in the apartment. *g* But I'm also quite happy to go stay with people who have to work several hours a day - I will never, ever feel lonely or abandoned if there is a computer and/or a bookshelf around. ^__^

What I really don't get, though, is hanging out with other people as a cure for this feeling.

I should quiz my brother on this! Poor thing - you can literally see him wilt if you leave him alone for too long. He needs other people around to energize him when he's down, or relax him when he's stressed... It's so, so strange. We're siblings, and I still don't get how he does it.

There are days, though, when I come home from work so mentally exhausted (both from dealing with other people, and from general work-related problem-solving) that I'm utterly unable to THINK -- all I can do is surf the net or read something until it's time for bed.

I know that feeling too... I'm so glad I don't have the kind of job that leaves me that exhausted anymore! The library is the perfect place for me to work, because I get to be friendly and helpful and talk books with people - and then I get to spend time doing shelving, or just waiting for someone to come ask me a question, and in that time I can do whatever I want. Nobody ever complains about finding a librarian lost in a book, and since we have computers right there for work-related stuff, it's perfectly natural for me to be focused on the screen...! (This will change if I get a full-time position, and get my own area of responsibility and such - but I can't imagine it will ever get as bad as it did when I was working in the post office, or the foreign exchange place... *shudder*.)